Breakup

[JazzM]

I heard on the radio a while back that it takes men 3 times longer to get over a failed relationship then women. That is due to the fact that women will then tend to lean on their support network of friends, family, etc... whereas men would most likely try to get over it themselves and 9 times out of 10 end up in depression.

Best suggestion I can give you is to not to try to hide your emotions in the sand but to deal with your feelings in a positive way. What you're doing here is a good start, to openly talk about it, etc.

As for advise on future relationships, success rates of those, etc... just take one step at a time, don't rush into anything new, and let this experience teach you something as well as learn more about yourself. Our personalities are constantly changing as we go through these type of experiences.

Best of luck and keep your head up high...

T.

[xlash]

Thanks for all your kind words, support and wisdom.

She's saying a lot of mean and conceited things about me on the forum. The truth is if I hadn't snooped around I would have never found out about this. Hell she has snooped around more than I have.

It's amazing how quickly she's forgotten all the things I did for her. I totally didn't see that coming.

[Dr. Flyview]

I just read through this whole thread cause it hits close to home.

Hey Xlash. I dunno if we've met. I hope you do well on your exam, and get through this as quickly as possible. How long were you together?

My last significant ex and I broke up last mid-July (08). First got together May of the previous year (07), so it was about 14 months or so.

I have no doubt it was love, and it was the first time that either she or I felt it. We reached a level of sexual synchrony that I can't even discuss on this forum. We had one other serious breakup some months previously and for both she cried a long time. In the end it's been the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me. I can safely say I'm just about over her now (10 months later).

What you've alluded to that hurts the most (and you're right), is how quickly they turn around and start doubting and forgetting what you shared had together.

My advice: Don't draw out the breakup process. In my case, I tried to end all contact with her. However, I would not be able to keep it up and would eventually cave in to her daily calls or call myself. It went through many cycles of me saying "I don't wanna talk to you anymore" to "let's work this out" to "let's be friends." I ****ed another girl within not even 2 weeks after the breakup. Then I told her the next day... We slept a couple more times together but in the end she still didn't wanna work things out. In September, I had just found a camera for her that was the same as hers that was stolen at a party (and she didn't want her dad finding out). I found it and bought it for her (she paid me). However, she wouldn't even see me the day I finally sourced it b/c she was too busy hanging out with her friends and who would later be her new bf. The next day when I went to bring her the camera I had told her we should chill for a bit. I pulled up to the house (her mom was gardening, I didn't get out to talk to her) but when she got in the bimmer I couldn't even look into her eyes. I politely asked one more time if she was sure she didn't wanna work things out. She shook her head. I just couldn't take it anymore so I told her to take her ****in camera, and get out of the car. That's when I proceeded with a clutch kick burnout through all of first and a little into second gear in front of her, her mom, and her dog Smudge. Last time I saw her was in the rear view mirror, her staring down the road at me in awe.

Needless to say I was still crushed afterwards and eventually tried again to talk to her (over and over every few weeks, then every few months). Even to this day I sometimes think about her, but like I said, I think I can finally say I'm over it. SO don't draw out the process, and don't go back or communicate.

[BigD]

Originally Posted by Flav_cool

Needless to say I was still crushed afterwards and eventually tried again to talk to her (over and over every few weeks, then every few months). Even to this day I sometimes think about her, but like I said, I think I can finally say I'm over it. SO don't draw out the process, and don't go back or communicate.

This is why, in my opinion, the getting-over process shouldn't be mentally forced. It's a lesson I learned when I was competing in powerlifting. Few sports put you on the spot like this, standing infront of a large crowd, in silence once the start is given, and trying lift maximal weight. Trying to tell yourself that you rule, you're great, you're superstrong, invincible, just makes things worse. Your mind is your own worst enemy and it would much rather believe the negative thoughts that surface than any of the encouraging BS you or anyone else tries to throw at it. As a result all that happens is things get worse because the fact that you need the kind words really underlines to you just how bad the situation is.

Which is why with breakups, like competition, my best advice is to distract the mind. Occupy yourself, and focus on those things. If you try to sit there and think about how great you are, what an amazing man she's missing, dreaming about her crawling back into your arms and you being a douche about it - will just make you feel worse, and these thoughts will NOT go away on their own as long as you continue to entertain them. Well, they will never really go away, they just won't matter anymore. In time, remembering her will be no different than recalling a time when you pissed yourself in bed or sneezed a booger onto your face.

[xlash]

Originally Posted by Flav_cool

I just read through this whole thread cause it hits close to home.

Hey Xlash. I dunno if we've met. I hope you do well on your exam, and get through this as quickly as possible. How long were you together?

My last significant ex and I broke up last mid-July (08). First got together May of the previous year (07), so it was about 14 months or so.

I have no doubt it was love, and it was the first time that either she or I felt it. We reached a level of sexual synchrony that I can't even discuss on this forum. We had one other serious breakup some months previously and for both she cried a long time. In the end it's been the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me. I can safely say I'm just about over her now (10 months later).

What you've alluded to that hurts the most (and you're right), is how quickly they turn around and start doubting and forgetting what you shared had together.

My advice: Don't draw out the breakup process. In my case, I tried to end all contact with her. However, I would not be able to keep it up and would eventually cave in to her daily calls or call myself. It went through many cycles of me saying "I don't wanna talk to you anymore" to "let's work this out" to "let's be friends." I ****ed another girl within not even 2 weeks after the breakup. Then I told her the next day... We slept a couple more times together but in the end she still didn't wanna work things out. In September, I had just found a camera for her that was the same as hers that was stolen at a party (and she didn't want her dad finding out). I found it and bought it for her (she paid me). However, she wouldn't even see me the day I finally sourced it b/c she was too busy hanging out with her friends and who would later be her new bf. The next day when I went to bring her the camera I had told her we should chill for a bit. I pulled up to the house (her mom was gardening, I didn't get out to talk to her) but when she got in the bimmer I couldn't even look into her eyes. I politely asked one more time if she was sure she didn't wanna work things out. She shook her head. I just couldn't take it anymore so I told her to take her ****in camera, and get out of the car. That's when I proceeded with a clutch kick burnout through all of first and a little into second gear in front of her, her mom, and her dog Smudge. Last time I saw her was in the rear view mirror, her staring down the road at me in awe.

Needless to say I was still crushed afterwards and eventually tried again to talk to her (over and over every few weeks, then every few months). Even to this day I sometimes think about her, but like I said, I think I can finally say I'm over it. SO don't draw out the process, and don't go back or communicate.

No we haven't met but we will. I have to meet all you guys. Just need to get this school over with.

The biggest problem I am faced with is this cycle. I've been down this road in the past and experience does NOTHING for you. I go from being hopelessly depressed to uncaring in no time. I am staying at my friend's place but having to study for exams is extremely painful. Knowing that she's seeing that guy at work is killing me. I haven't spoken to her in over 24 hours now. She's sent me 2 txts that I have successfully ignored.

Everybody has said "good riddance" but my best friend who has seen our relationship evolve over the past 4 years said I should make a last ditch effort. He's known her and seen her posts and messages and doesn't believe she's the kind of girl who will go through with casual sex. It's fantasy at best, not something she would act on but I'm expecting the worst. She's just over the edge pissed that I have complained incessantly about her moving away and the annoying puppy that she's got and I do NOT understand human animal relationships. I made an effort to understand but it's obviously too late.

[xlash]

Originally Posted by BigD

This is why, in my opinion, the getting-over process shouldn't be mentally forced. It's a lesson I learned when I was competing in powerlifting. Few sports put you on the spot like this, standing infront of a large crowd, in silence once the start is given, and trying lift maximal weight. Trying to tell yourself that you rule, you're great, you're superstrong, invincible, just makes things worse. Your mind is your own worst enemy and it would much rather believe the negative thoughts that surface than any of the encouraging BS you or anyone else tries to throw at it. As a result all that happens is things get worse because the fact that you need the kind words really underlines to you just how bad the situation is.

Which is why with breakups, like competition, my best advice is to distract the mind. Occupy yourself, and focus on those things. If you try to sit there and think about how great you are, what an amazing man she's missing, dreaming about her crawling back into your arms and you being a douche about it - will just make you feel worse, and these thoughts will NOT go away on their own as long as you continue to entertain them. Well, they will never really go away, they just won't matter anymore. In time, remembering her will be no different than recalling a time when you pissed yourself in bed or sneezed a booger onto your face.

LOL! I am trying not to force anything. The hardest times are when I am alone or when I feel like responding to her or contacting her or thinking about what she's doing.

I'll get through this...I know I will. I just need to hang in there. Time is my best friend.....err 2nd best friend. MaxBimmer > time.

[Boots R]

**** bitches

get money

[propr'one]

Originally Posted by Boots R

10 @echo off
20 Lprint "get money"
30 Lprint "**** bitches"
40 Go To 20
50 End

Edited for
A) order
B) turbo basic

[Dr. Flyview]

Originally Posted by xlash

No we haven't met but we will. I have to meet all you guys. Just need to get this school over with.

The biggest problem I am faced with is this cycle. I've been down this road in the past and experience does NOTHING for you. I go from being hopelessly depressed to uncaring in no time. I am staying at my friend's place but having to study for exams is extremely painful. Knowing that she's seeing that guy at work is killing me. I haven't spoken to her in over 24 hours now. She's sent me 2 txts that I have successfully ignored.

Everybody has said "good riddance" but my best friend who has seen our relationship evolve over the past 4 years said I should make a last ditch effort. He's known her and seen her posts and messages and doesn't believe she's the kind of girl who will go through with casual sex. It's fantasy at best, not something she would act on but I'm expecting the worst. She's just over the edge pissed that I have complained incessantly about her moving away and the annoying puppy that she's got and I do NOT understand human animal relationships. I made an effort to understand but it's obviously too late.

I don't think there's much you can do about "the cycle" unless you truly master mind control or do as BigD suggested and do something physical that doesn't require much thought. Working on my car would work wonders and keep my mind off it for hours.

I haven't addressed the whole reason you broke up. She obviously wants to **** this guy. You need to understand even if she convinces herself she was being retarded, that desire will always really still be there. You need to ask yourself if you can accept your girl wanting other men purely for sexual pleasure. I probably wouldn't be able to stand her actually doing it, but wanting it, maybe. Or maybe you can have a threesome or something?? I don't know I'm just saying maybe we have to be a little more open to sexual needs and fantasies...IF the love between you two remains strong or gets stronger. Talk to her about it... The only reason I'm suggesting this is because a 4 year relationship is still no joke. If you saw the love itself dying off though, then it's best to let it go.

[Ceeker]

This may not sound very nice but go out and date women to help get over her. It's call the rebound. We all get hurt; not saying doing that is right. "but all is fair in love and war"
Or just tough it out; a much harder way to get through it but still if it doesn't kill ya, it will make you stronger. (Grin) Go out with the boys, and keep yourself busy; gradually the hurt will get less and pretty soon your self esteem will be back up again! it takes time...and that is all.

[europrince]

Next!.....

[xlash]

Originally Posted by Flav_cool

I don't think there's much you can do about "the cycle" unless you truly master mind control or do as BigD suggested and do something physical that doesn't require much thought. Working on my car would work wonders and keep my mind off it for hours.

I haven't addressed the whole reason you broke up. She obviously wants to **** this guy. You need to understand even if she convinces herself she was being retarded, that desire will always really still be there. You need to ask yourself if you can accept your girl wanting other men purely for sexual pleasure. I probably wouldn't be able to stand her actually doing it, but wanting it, maybe. Or maybe you can have a threesome or something?? I don't know I'm just saying maybe we have to be a little more open to sexual needs and fantasies...IF the love between you two remains strong or gets stronger. Talk to her about it... The only reason I'm suggesting this is because a 4 year relationship is still no joke. If you saw the love itself dying off though, then it's best to let it go.

Ok let me explain why I was so blinded-sided by this whole thing. If I asked her if she was interested in other guys she'd say no. It was a flat out no, for 4 years. She did check out other guys but not something any girl in a strong relationship wouldn't do. We made it clear right from the start that any physical contact with a girl by me or a guy by her would be the end. She set the ground rules and I was absolutely ok with it. No dancing with other people or hanging out with members of the opposite sex. I did lose lots of female friends and even guy friends since I was spending time with her over the years and even though that miffed me I was ok with it.

I'm not into threesomes even if the 3rd person is a girl and she wouldn't even want to hear the word. I want my girl all to myself. Not the straightest answer you'd expect but given how intense and possessive our relationship was that's to be expected.

Honestly our love did grow stronger and it matured. We learnt that we'd need to hang out with other friends of the opposite sex. We grew secure with each other as well.

But her wanting to flat out nail another guy yanked my feet out from underneath me.

My friend who has met her, known her is saying that I should make a surprise last ditch effort. If that fails then I'll know for sure and it'll help me move on because I'll know for sure I did everythin I could. He reasons this because she put up with my complaining about her dogs for months on end and cried when we broke up. She even tried to convince me what her dogs mean to her. I am not without fault. I am very possessive about my space and I should learn to be more accepting. But I didn't think she'd pull this crap of wanting to screw another guy.

When I last spoke to her she said the reason why she fancies him is because he's more of a single man. Our relationship got very competitive. I mean I'd do something if she did something and she'd do something if I did something. That's not the sign of a progressive relationship at all.

The thing is I want another shot. I know I can start improving this relationship on my own and she'll jump on once the momentum gets going. But if she's so much as touched that guy or hung out with him then I'm through. And that's what I am afraid of. Kind of hard to accept that such a fantastic relationship deteriorated and got sewered like that.

And about trust. I know I can trust her. Her last words were about trust. She's had a tough time trusting me and I've never had issues trusting her until this past week.

Anyway I'm just rambling on. I'm going to go to an interview and then work out. If I feel like it tomorrow then after the exam I'll drive up to see her. I bought a Dyson vacuum cleaner (she paid for it) and she's been waiting for me to go up to see her. Hell she also bought sex toys. Honestly, if she's used those sex toys with the guy I'm going to end up punching her but I won't jump to conclusion now.

You can't turn a ho into housewife. But this chic was a bonafide housewife who wants to turn into a ho.

[xlash]

Originally Posted by Ceeker

This may not sound very nice but go out and date women to help get over her. It's call the rebound. We all get hurt; not saying doing that is right. "but all is fair in love and war"
Or just tough it out; a much harder way to get through it but still if it doesn't kill ya, it will make you stronger. (Grin) Go out with the boys, and keep yourself busy; gradually the hurt will get less and pretty soon your self esteem will be back up again! it takes time...and that is all.

I can't. I don't even feel like meeting and talking to women. There's this red head at work that I wouldn't mind drilling or dating for that matter but right now I can't seem to find my mojo.

[Dr. Flyview]

Well it sounds like you two were in love. However, I disagree that you can trust her. Even if she wanted that guy and couldn't control herself, she should have come to talk to you about it, not plan how she was going to do it behind your back. I say keep quiet for at least a week and see if she comes begging. Hell, let her **** that guy (I know it's hard to imagine) and see how much more she had with you...

[MiroE36]

I don't want to be an ass, but it's vital that you come to this realization as soon as possible, a woman is just a woman, a man's sexual needs will always supersede his need for companion ship. If you need something to love, get a dog... never put too much trust and faith into the opposite sex, love is something that is developed, it comes , it takes a life-time to learn everything about the person you are with... most relationships now-a-days are way too rushed... a healthy relationship moves along slowly and takes the time to incubate into something that will be beautiful and ever-lasting.