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Old 01-21-2010, 09:44 AM   #1
black bnr32
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dontevenreply.com



enjoy



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Christmas Dinner
Posted at: 2009-12-06 12:21:18 | 262 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY
From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hello,

I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

Thanks,

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

La Nouille du Triomphe
A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux
A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

Le Sandwich Rouge
A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

Dessert

Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale
A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

La Pâtisserie Bourrée
Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

Thank you,
Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

what the **** you actully cater that shit to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you ****in kidding me. my son in college could make that shit!

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

cut the bullshit fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

Michael
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Old 01-21-2010, 11:16 AM   #2
Quack
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Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm, that guy knows how to cook
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:26 PM   #3
TheLoneVR!
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LOL
what a ****ing joke !!
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Old 01-21-2010, 12:58 PM   #4
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hahah thats an awesome website

Original ad:
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.
From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

Hi,

I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

Mike,

Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

Mike



From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO.
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Old 01-21-2010, 01:40 PM   #5
Blades
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LOL hilarious
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Old 01-21-2010, 02:28 PM   #6
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thank you for posting. this is my new favourite website.
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Old 01-21-2010, 03:32 PM   #7
digiital
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Post more, work blocks the website. Those are funny!
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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
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Old 01-21-2010, 04:19 PM   #8
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^^ your work blocks that site but not maX? what about facebook etc...
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Old 01-21-2010, 04:23 PM   #9
digiital
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Email sites, like gmail, hotmail... blocked. Facebook Open! Forums are open like Max.
It was blocked due to:

The site you were attempting to visit has been categorized as:
Blogs/Personal Pages;Humor/Jokes
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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
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Old 01-21-2010, 04:32 PM   #10
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I do double duty here as an insurance broker and an IT guy. We decided that in our office, nothing gets blocked, but all history is logged. "look at whatever you like(within reason), whenever you like, but your accountable for it." Smaller office though.
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Old 01-21-2010, 05:37 PM   #11
Kal
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Wood Chipper Rental
Posted at: 2009-12-23 11:41:39 | 222 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
670cc commercial wood chipper/shredder for sale. Little bit of rust but works great. Contact Joe - ***********@gmail.com
$4000 OBO
From Me to ***********@gmail.com:

Hi Joe,

Is the wood chipper still for sale?

Thanks,

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

Yes, I still have the wood chipper.

From Me to Joe ******:

I don't have $4000, but what I do have is $200 and a need for use of a wood chipper for about half an hour. Would I be able to rent it from you for $200?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

I don't see why not. What are you using it for?

From Me to Joe ******:

Don't worry about that. So would I be able to swing by and pick it up in my truck, then bring it back about an hour later? I can leave my driver's license as collateral.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

First you need to tell me what the chipper is being used for or you can find someone else.

From Me to Joe ******:

Okay, I'll try to explain my situation. My cat just had a litter of kittens, and I can't get rid of them. I tried giving them to my friends and putting ads online, but nobody wants them. I even tried releasing them into the wild but they keep coming back to my house. I can't stand these little ****ers pissing everywhere and clawing up my furniture. So I figure my next option is to put them down. I can't afford to have it done professionally, so I think a wood chipper would be the next most humane way. I looked up your model and saw it has a 6 inch input, which I think will be perfect for me.

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

.......................................wow. No.

From Me to Joe ******:

Why not? It is an easy $200 for you. Can't you just pretend I took it to mulch some wood?

Mike

From Joe ****** to Me:

No. You are a sick sick sick sick sick person.

From Me to Joe ******:

I'll give you $250 and throw in a free kitten (not mulched, of course). Plus, I thought about my plan some more, and I decided to put meow mix all around the input, and just leave the kittens near it. That way, if they get shredded, it is their own damn fault, and my hands are clean.

Mike
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Old 01-21-2010, 07:32 PM   #12
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^^^damn, this is snot rocket material.....
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Old 01-21-2010, 09:34 PM   #13
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OMG I just about pee'd my pants reading this website, its freaking awesome this one was priceless I couldnt stop laughing.


High-rise Fridge Delivery
Posted at: 2009-07-06 09:51:49
Original ad:
I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.
From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

Hello,

I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

From marty ******* to Me

absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

From marty ******* to Me

Hey listen asshole. You are a ****in idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a ****ing fridge up there is with an elevator. **** off.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the **** up.
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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
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Old 01-22-2010, 12:21 AM   #14
///Maluco
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ahhhh....I can't find my snot rocket.
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Old 01-22-2010, 06:23 AM   #15
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PARROT WANTED
I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out - please email me if you have a parrot you don't want!

Thanks!
From Me to **************@*********.org

Hi there!

I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike - tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him?

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

My parrot is 2 years old. I don't have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot.

We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a "stupid fat twat." She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn't be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say "nice cellulite, bitch" whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a "cocksucking grundle licker." It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day.

Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings "The Final Countdown" by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don't even like that song.

The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and shit on my food. If I don't let him out, he starts yelling "I have to shit!" until I let him out. It can go on for hours.

My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren't fat and won't take the insults he yells at them personally.

I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you?

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Mike, I don't think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids - they are only five and seven years old.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra,

I think he would be great for your kids. I didn't mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn't talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want.

Mike

From Sandra ********* to Me

Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA!

From Me to Sandra ***********

Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don't know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren't willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn't perfect. You can't expect people to give you Toucan ****ing Sam for free.

I can't take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn't kill.

If you don't take my parrot, I'm afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport.

From Sandra ********* to Me

You are a f*cking lunatic.

From Me to Sandra ***********

Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don't have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don't make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more.
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