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Old 01-30-2006, 10:42 AM   #31
e36chick
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E36 Power
When using ribbed condoms, Chuck Norris rolls them inside out so that he gets the the pleasure
um...Chuck Norris doesnt NEED condoms.
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Old 01-30-2006, 10:43 AM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by e36chick
um...Chuck Norris doesnt NEED condoms.
your right, hes god he dosent need to **** you to get you pregnate
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Old 01-30-2006, 01:59 PM   #33
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Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.


Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.


In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.


There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Additional Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.


Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.


The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.


Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.


Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.


If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.


When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.


The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.


Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.


CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.


Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.


There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.


Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.


Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.


Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.


A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.


Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.


If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.


Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will **** you up.


The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.


Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.


Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.


Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.


Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.


Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.


Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.


In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.


Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The **** was That?"


Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.


Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.


The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.


In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.


According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
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Old 01-30-2006, 02:33 PM   #34
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some new ones in there. good shit
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Old 01-30-2006, 05:03 PM   #35
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Old 01-31-2006, 08:20 PM   #36
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my favourite is chuck norris does not tea bag you, he potato sacks you

that one is top notch in my books
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Old 01-31-2006, 09:53 PM   #37
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I pulled a good one in the calculus tutorial, and was surprised by the fact that EVERYONE knows about it. It was the "counting to infinity" one.
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Old 02-01-2006, 01:33 AM   #38
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Chuck Norris is soo GANGSTA.

But who do u guys think would win in a fight Chuck Norris with his power kicks and punches, Or would Steven Seagal not give him a chance before he snaps his arm bone outta place.
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Old 02-01-2006, 07:42 AM   #39
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seagal has two left feet
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Old 02-01-2006, 09:54 AM   #40
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seagal would win I think ,, I know Chuck is GOD and all but.. as far as martial arts goes Segals Aikido > Norris' Karate

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Old 02-01-2006, 10:35 AM   #41
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This one is for Adam A~G

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
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Old 02-01-2006, 10:39 AM   #42
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This one cracked me up

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
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Old 02-01-2006, 10:41 AM   #43
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Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.


A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.


When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.


Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)


Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.


Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.


In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".


Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.


If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.


Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.


A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.


Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.


Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.


When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.


While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.


Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.


When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.


When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.


Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."


Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.


Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.


For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.


Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.


When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.


Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.


When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.


Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.


On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.


Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!


In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.


Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.


Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.


Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"


Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.


Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.


If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.


Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.


Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.


Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.


The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.


It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.


You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.


Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.


The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.


There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.


Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.


When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.


Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.


James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.


Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.


Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.


It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.


Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.


Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.


Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.


Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.


When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.


Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
Still more Chuck Norris Facts

The Chuck Norris Facts T-shirt.
Guns don't kill people.
Chuck Norris kills People.




What Would Chuck Norris Do?.





Viva La Chuck Norris!



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Old 02-01-2006, 10:46 AM   #44
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I wanna get this shirt
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Old 02-01-2006, 06:05 PM   #45
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chuck norris can eat only one lays potato chip
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