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Old 01-27-2006, 03:42 AM   #1
Furious
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dont shave that asshair



Quote:
Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
posted on my forum but was so funny ..i had to share it
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Old 01-27-2006, 04:06 AM   #2
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wow that is soooooooooo gross. and hilarious. i wanna hear what our two token girls have to say about this post
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Old 01-27-2006, 08:08 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by proprone
wow that is soooooooooo gross. and hilarious. i wanna hear what our two token girls have to say about this post
Well it really isn't as bad as he makes it out to be...LOL The stubble thing is really bad the first few time you do it but strangely it gets better to the point where you don't even know the difference.

Hope that helps...ROFL
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Old 01-27-2006, 04:52 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E30 Girl
Well it really isn't as bad as he makes it out to be...LOL The stubble thing is really bad the first few time you do it but strangely it gets better to the point where you don't even know the difference.

Hope that helps...ROFL







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Old 01-27-2006, 04:15 AM   #5
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omg hahaha thats hilarious, makes me appreciate my asshair!! that stubble thing made me laugh at the end out loud... that is gold! this is going to be a 5 page thread by the morning!
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Old 01-27-2006, 07:04 AM   #6
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I could swear I've read this before. What forum did it come off of?
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Old 01-27-2006, 08:00 AM   #7
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hahhahahahhahahah oh man thats halarious...hahaha
good to know that ass hair is good for something....i was thinking if he sat on the toilet with a sweaty ass, would just fly right off???HAHAHAHAHA
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Old 01-27-2006, 08:29 AM   #8
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good read Mark, but just to let you know you are a sick puppy
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Old 01-27-2006, 08:48 AM   #9
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quick thought....are you just saying it was posted somewhere else to cover up that it was really you?
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Old 01-27-2006, 09:15 AM   #10
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LOL

who would've thought that asshair prevents the dreaded mudbutt
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Old 01-27-2006, 02:10 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by King Luis
quick thought....are you just saying it was posted somewhere else to cover up that it was really you?

haha no its not me, one of the guys on werkz found it , and i laughed so hard i had to post it here
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Old 01-27-2006, 04:26 PM   #12
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90% chance that's originally from somethingawful.com

They got alot of great writers there.
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Old 01-27-2006, 09:35 AM   #13
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I wonder if that anal-bleaching, illiterate 43-yr old virgin lonerVR can confirm this... he's into the full sac back & crack waxing
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Old 01-27-2006, 09:36 AM   #14
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Solid read. I've been contemplating this for awhile. I think I may end up doing it anyhow.

I heard its one whipe with a shaved ass, and your ass is clean!

Imagine all the money you would save just on the amount of toilet paper you will save. The thought alone makes it worth the try
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Old 01-27-2006, 11:49 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal
Solid read. I've been contemplating this for awhile. I think I may end up doing it anyhow.

I heard its one whipe with a shaved ass, and your ass is clean!

Imagine all the money you would save just on the amount of toilet paper you will save. The thought alone makes it worth the try
what?
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